Archived Post - "The 'Tucker Max' Stories"

The "Tucker Max" Stories
[originally posted on "Tucker Max Is A Douchebag" blog on Sunday, January 29, 2006]

Anyone who has ever visited Tucker Max's website knows about the self-proclaimed "Tucker Max Stories." According to Tucker, these stories are recounts of actual events in which he was involved. They usually involve him being an asshole to women and men, him getting lots of sex with hot women despite his obnoxious behavior, and never suffering any negative repercussions for his outrageous antics. These stories build up Tucker has a total stud who gets away with doing whatever he wants to do regardless of what anyone else thinks about him.

Some visitors to his website take his stories at face value and have deified him as some sort of modern-day sex god. I, on the other hand, strongly believe that his stories are complete horseshit. That dude doesn't get laid with hot women - if he gets any women at all they are almost certainly beastly hogs with no other options.

Here's my own hypothetical "Tucker Max Story." I believe that this story gives a more accurate retelling of what a night on the town with Tucker Max is probably really like:

"Tucker Max's Night At The Manhole

I just experienced a Saturday evening like no other. There was quite a bit of debauchery, hot sex, and vomiting before the unbelievable night was over.

I grabbed a quick bite to eat at the Popeye's fast food chicken restaurant to fill my belly to start out my evening. I then returned to my studio apartment in the Boys Town section of Chicago at around 7:00 PM and started pounding a couple bottles of Colt 45. Why Colt 45? Because I needed to get drunk fast, and there's nothing chicks like better than a drunken fool who's already plastered by 9 PM on a Saturday evening.

At around 8:30 I headed over to Wrigleyville to the Cubby Bear bar. As I was alone I realized I would need to turn on the charm if I was going to get some chicks. I saw a group of college-aged girls and went in for the kill. I went right up to them and said "Hey bitches! Who is going to suck me off tonight!!!" The girls all got disgusted looks on their faces. Perplexed, I blurted out "Don't you know who I am? I'm Tucker Max!!!" One of the girls, a redhead, replied "I don't know who the fuck you are! Get out of my face, faggot!" I responded "But I have a popular website. I love you!" The redhead called me a faggot again and I walked away. 0 for 1 so far, but the night wasn't over.

I then went up to the bar and ordered a Bud Light. After I received my beer and had a few sips I started feeling a little queasy. Unfortunately the combination of Popeye's chicken, Colt 45, and the Bud Light was not sitting well in my stomach. About 10 second later I started spewing all over the bar and was quickly escorted out of the bar by a couple bouncers who threw me out of the bar and into a big muddy puddle.

I thought to myself, "This night isn't going very well." But the night was still young.

I decided to visit a bar where I was sure to get some action, the Manhole, a gay bar only a couple blocks from my apartment.

I arrived at the Manhole, waited in line for about 15 minutes, paid the cover, and then walked right in. I was immediately greeted by the regulars inside who started chanting my name, repeating "Tucker...Tucker...TUCKER...TUCKER!!!" It felt nice to be so loved.

Phillip and Lance, two nice young men who dance at the Manhole every weekend, came up to me and hugged me. Phillip then went and bought me a Miller Light while Lance grabbed my ass and dragged me out onto the dance floor. Lance was slow-dancing so close to me when Phillips came up behind me with the Miller Light and started grinding his erect penis against my ass. One thing led to another and before I knew it Lance, Phillips, and I were in the second bathroom stall in the Men's room! Being double-teamed by Lance and Phillip felt so good and was incredibly hot for me. Both of them pumped away for what seemed like 30 minutes until dumping their loads inside me. A couple random men also walked into the bathroom and took their turns as well. Within an hour or so, my butthole was holding more "semen" than a battleship!

When they were finally done, I got dressed and limped out of the bar in obvious pain. After arriving at my tiny studio apartment, I turned on my computer and logged into my website, www.tuckermax.com, and typed in a story about how I had spend the evening fucking two hot babes I met at the Cubby Bear. If only the visitors to my website knew the truth!!! Luckily, my secret is safe from those mindless fools."

Here is a link to the comments to this post from the former "Tucker Max Is A Douchebag" blog